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Posts Tagged ‘TTC’

I’m Pregnant.  We did it.. Again.  Pregnancy number 7 is underway.  And this time, it is going to work out.  I was nervous at first.  Paranoid actually.  But things feel different this time.  

The most miraculous part of this… this was our last round to try to conceive naturally.  Next month we were slotted to go through an IUI, then call it quits for good.  So amazing. 

Monday, February 13th was when it started.  I was at work and feeling like I was going to hurl on my keyboard.  Then noticed the aching in my breasts.  My sinuses were annoyed and I knew, either I was pregnant or getting sick.  So, I ran to Walgreens at lunch and bought a test. Sure enough! Pregnant.  🙂  Such a beautiful little pee stick! I told my husband that night.  We were both cautiously optimistic, but knew the odds were against us.  

Each day that has gone by, things have changed.  I am full of good yet annoying pregnancy symptoms.  The pregnancy tests keep getting darker (yes I still test.. don’t judge!).  Things feel good.  Things feel normal for a healthy pregnancy.  I am feeling more and more optimistic everyday.  

The morning of February 14th, my 4 year old walks into the bathroom where i am standing at the mirror.  She reaches up and rubs my belly and say “is my brother in there?”  I had to take a step back to catch myself.  What a little crazy girl.  I didn’t tell her yet, but somehow she knows something.  I love that special little child.. my one beautiful child on Earth.

I am almost 5 weeks along.  Still so very early, but I look forward to the rest of this journey.  

 

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It has been three years and 7 months since this journey began. For exactly 43 months we have been trying to have another child. There have been ups and downs, and overall the entire process has been stressful and very hard on our marriage. In the past 3 years and 7 months, we have lost 3 pregnancies. Add those to the 2 pregnancies I lost before our child was born, and well.. I am tired to say the least. I am tired of my hopes fluctuating up and down and the stress and fear of the ‘what ifs’.

I made a decision awhile back to close the book on this chapter in life. It was hard to do. We set a date.. a final date. Our plan was to try through the end of the year, and call it quits. Drop the subject, move on and enjoy life as a family of three.

I am luckier than some. There are some women who try for decades and walk away empty handed. I have a gorgeous (almost) 4 year old to spoil and love for eternity. I hurt for those women who have no child to hold. I wish we could all get what we want, have the families we dreamed of and live happy and healthy lives. But that isn’t always the plan I suppose.

The mister and I had the talk last night. We knew our time was coming to an end. About a week ago I proposed one last option… IUI. It is a subject we have talked about before. In fact we had planned to go through with it once early last year, and then I miraculously got pregnant. But as the story goes, that didn’t work out so well.

So, the plan is set. We keep trying until February and if nothing happens on it’s own by then, we endure one round of IUI fertility treatment.. then we walk away. Pregnant or not. We will be done and will never look back.

After a heavy breakdown last night, I am surprisingly ok with this plan. There is a end point, something I think everyone needs for sanity’s sake. When that day comes, and if we didn’t succeed in growing our family, I will be fine. For the past 3+ years I have not started anything new, for fear I wouldn’t be able to finish it. I thought about training for a 5k, or a triathlon, but I didn’t. I want to take a trip with just my husband to someplace ‘adult like’.. maybe Vegas or a cruise. But I didn’t plan it because I might be pregnant or breastfeeding a little one.

I am ready to move on. It will hurt so badly if we are not successful, but that pain will fade. I need to move on, for my sake as well as my family. They need me, and for the past 3+ years I haven’t been there 100%. I will mourn the loss of my fertility, my womb that will go unused for the rest of my life, but I will have more energy and focus to celebrate my wonderful family and the future we have together.

Please send positive thoughts.. one way or another, I will need them all. Thank you.

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My paycheck was late again. Not 10 days late like last time, but late all the same. Money is tight, the state is on fire, my marriage is strained due to finances and stress, my asthma is flared up horribly, and my daughter is in a very trying phase… and I still want another child.

We are here. In less than two weeks we are supposed to begin trying to conceive another child, and I feel guilty about it. All the doctor’s visits, co-pays, possible medications, bills..bills..bills. Am I being selfish? Am I putting a strain on my already awesome family to grow our group by one more child? Will they resent me for this later?

I wish it weren’t so hard. I wish I were an irresponsible younger woman who would just jump at this opportunity and not think about the outcome. But I am not. I am at an ‘advanced maternal age’.. hence all the extra expenses of having another child, and the reason I have to think this situation through so much.

I hope it all works out the way it should. While I really truly want another child, I am keeping an open mind and will not force the issue if it doesn’t work out. (while secretly praying 53 times a day that it does work out). 🙂

I sure wish this were all easier.

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It’s after 11pm, and I am sitting here at the office trying to get something done. I am coming down with something though, and feeling very sloooowwwwwwww.
I made a few changes today. (Yes, we are back on the baby making topic) After the work day (8am to 6pm) was over I went and did a little grocery shopping. Food stuff. When I got home, I removed at least half of the crap I already had in my cabinets and refrigerator and replaced it with my more healthy choices that were bought today.. then I cooked a store bought pizza (I know.. not the best choice)
When I got back to the office this evening, I emptied my desk drawers of all my snacky stash. Kudos bars, salty peanuts, chex mix, peanut butter cookies (LOVE THOSE) and some random snack crackers. I never realized how deep my desk drawers were. Anyway, in the place of all that I put sunflower seeds, cashews and popcorn.. all sans salt. Then I enjoyed one last cookie for old time sake. No more junky junk for me.

Tomorrow I start a new journey. The one where I rid my body of the things making it sick. No more gluten, no more dairy, no more processed food garbage. I am done being the slightly overweight and majorly miserable. I want my life, body and health back.

Over the last few years there have been so many issues that have shown up. I went from being (so I thought) a healthy, active woman to this person with all the health problems. It all started with my Hub’s egg salad sandwiches. He made them all the time, and I loved them. But over a very short period of time, they were making me more and more sick. Jumping to right after Buggie was born, it was chicken that did me in. The first time it happened, I had eaten out. I actually called the restaurant and complained that I had received food poisoning from their food. I was horribly sick, and my face turned colors I had never seen before right before I passed out on the bathroom floor. Again, soon I became aware it was more than a bad case of salmonella.. it was me.

Next came beef, then bread, all dairy, etc. For almost 9 months, I ate nothing but baked fish and veggies. They were the only safe options.

I don’t know why I didn’t see a doctor and get tested for food allergies sooner than I did, but I chose not to. When the Hubs and I decided to try to conceive again, we tried for what seemed like years (and now it has been). We tried everything, and finally we were referred to an RE (Reproduction Endocrinologist). She tested us for everything under the sun, and we came out clean and problem free. But we still weren’t pregnant. Then finally the magic happened.. we conceived. And then we lost the pregnancy fairly quickly. We were devastated. We had waited so long for this. We tried again as soon as the doctor gave us the OK, and amazingly we conceived again, right away. This time, I went in for all the testing, monitoring, beta blood draws, etc. The blood work was looking good, my HCG was climbing, and around 6 weeks we were able to get an ultrasound done! The heartbeat pulsed on the bottom of the screen and we thought this is it, our baby is going to be fine. Two weeks later, we said goodbye to our little bug. Something wasn’t right. There was a heartbeat and yet we lost him.

The OB called me in for a blood draw; a big blood draw. 9 vials of blood to test for all sorts of things. It was a little scary. Sometimes there are things you just would rather not know. But all my test results came back fine, except one.
I was diagnosed with APS (Antiphospholipid Antibody Syndrome). It is a mouthful, but really just means my blood is super thick and clots easily, putting me at a high risk for blood clots, stroke, … and recurrent miscarriage. So, an answer!
We went on to get pregnant one more time, and I was treated from day one with blood thinners, and had a Maternal Fetal Specialist monitoring my progress regularly. Unfortunately this time the blood work showed a poorly developing pregnancy. At my age (36 for those who care) it’s a common thing, and I just had to accept that that pregnancy wasn’t meant to be either. So, that makes six pregnancies. Two angels left my body years before my Buggie was born, and three since. We haven’t tried again since New Year’s Eve 2011, when Angel #5 flew to heaven. We will try again soon.

Oh, and I finally got the food allergy and sensitivity panel completed. Guess what they said.. Celiac Disease. LOL Come on, seriously?? I got a 2nd opinon on that one, and a 3rd just for good measures. It was confirmed.. Lovely!!

So.. to sum it all up, this is where my ‘get my health back on track’ mission comes into play. I have spent a great deal of time down in the dumps the last 3 years, and gained some weight because of it all. This isn’t me. I want the old me back, and my Buggie deserves to have me at my best. So here goes! As of tomorrow sugar, dairy, processed foods, gluten and anything else that is horrible for me is history!

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