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Posts Tagged ‘recurrent loss’


It has been three years and 7 months since this journey began. For exactly 43 months we have been trying to have another child. There have been ups and downs, and overall the entire process has been stressful and very hard on our marriage. In the past 3 years and 7 months, we have lost 3 pregnancies. Add those to the 2 pregnancies I lost before our child was born, and well.. I am tired to say the least. I am tired of my hopes fluctuating up and down and the stress and fear of the ‘what ifs’.

I made a decision awhile back to close the book on this chapter in life. It was hard to do. We set a date.. a final date. Our plan was to try through the end of the year, and call it quits. Drop the subject, move on and enjoy life as a family of three.

I am luckier than some. There are some women who try for decades and walk away empty handed. I have a gorgeous (almost) 4 year old to spoil and love for eternity. I hurt for those women who have no child to hold. I wish we could all get what we want, have the families we dreamed of and live happy and healthy lives. But that isn’t always the plan I suppose.

The mister and I had the talk last night. We knew our time was coming to an end. About a week ago I proposed one last option… IUI. It is a subject we have talked about before. In fact we had planned to go through with it once early last year, and then I miraculously got pregnant. But as the story goes, that didn’t work out so well.

So, the plan is set. We keep trying until February and if nothing happens on it’s own by then, we endure one round of IUI fertility treatment.. then we walk away. Pregnant or not. We will be done and will never look back.

After a heavy breakdown last night, I am surprisingly ok with this plan. There is a end point, something I think everyone needs for sanity’s sake. When that day comes, and if we didn’t succeed in growing our family, I will be fine. For the past 3+ years I have not started anything new, for fear I wouldn’t be able to finish it. I thought about training for a 5k, or a triathlon, but I didn’t. I want to take a trip with just my husband to someplace ‘adult like’.. maybe Vegas or a cruise. But I didn’t plan it because I might be pregnant or breastfeeding a little one.

I am ready to move on. It will hurt so badly if we are not successful, but that pain will fade. I need to move on, for my sake as well as my family. They need me, and for the past 3+ years I haven’t been there 100%. I will mourn the loss of my fertility, my womb that will go unused for the rest of my life, but I will have more energy and focus to celebrate my wonderful family and the future we have together.

Please send positive thoughts.. one way or another, I will need them all. Thank you.

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