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Posts Tagged ‘Pregnancy loss’


It has been three years and 7 months since this journey began. For exactly 43 months we have been trying to have another child. There have been ups and downs, and overall the entire process has been stressful and very hard on our marriage. In the past 3 years and 7 months, we have lost 3 pregnancies. Add those to the 2 pregnancies I lost before our child was born, and well.. I am tired to say the least. I am tired of my hopes fluctuating up and down and the stress and fear of the ‘what ifs’.

I made a decision awhile back to close the book on this chapter in life. It was hard to do. We set a date.. a final date. Our plan was to try through the end of the year, and call it quits. Drop the subject, move on and enjoy life as a family of three.

I am luckier than some. There are some women who try for decades and walk away empty handed. I have a gorgeous (almost) 4 year old to spoil and love for eternity. I hurt for those women who have no child to hold. I wish we could all get what we want, have the families we dreamed of and live happy and healthy lives. But that isn’t always the plan I suppose.

The mister and I had the talk last night. We knew our time was coming to an end. About a week ago I proposed one last option… IUI. It is a subject we have talked about before. In fact we had planned to go through with it once early last year, and then I miraculously got pregnant. But as the story goes, that didn’t work out so well.

So, the plan is set. We keep trying until February and if nothing happens on it’s own by then, we endure one round of IUI fertility treatment.. then we walk away. Pregnant or not. We will be done and will never look back.

After a heavy breakdown last night, I am surprisingly ok with this plan. There is a end point, something I think everyone needs for sanity’s sake. When that day comes, and if we didn’t succeed in growing our family, I will be fine. For the past 3+ years I have not started anything new, for fear I wouldn’t be able to finish it. I thought about training for a 5k, or a triathlon, but I didn’t. I want to take a trip with just my husband to someplace ‘adult like’.. maybe Vegas or a cruise. But I didn’t plan it because I might be pregnant or breastfeeding a little one.

I am ready to move on. It will hurt so badly if we are not successful, but that pain will fade. I need to move on, for my sake as well as my family. They need me, and for the past 3+ years I haven’t been there 100%. I will mourn the loss of my fertility, my womb that will go unused for the rest of my life, but I will have more energy and focus to celebrate my wonderful family and the future we have together.

Please send positive thoughts.. one way or another, I will need them all. Thank you.

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I wonder what I would see. My fantasy about Heaven is beautiful and to be honest, I would rather keep it that way. The reality might not be what I want it to be.

In my fantasy Heaven, the air is clean, there is no traffic or cars for that matter. There are birds and animals and all the old pups that were part of our family are running amok enjoying the day. Swimming and playing, chewing on snacks all day. Kascha is there. She is the matriarch of the pack, as she always was. Abbie, Deuce and Harley are there too. They are just the way I remember them, only healthier and happy.

There are children too. Lots and lots of children of all ages. And though I have never met them or held their hands, I know which ones are mine. One is tall, almost 14 years old. He is handsome, yet lanky at this awkward age. His name is Dale. His hair is auburn and his eyes are green. He has been in Heaven his whole life, since he left my womb in the first trimester. Another one is there too. Her hair is dark and her eyes are intense, the color of amber. She just turned 6 years old, her birthday was supposed to be August 8th. Her name is Natalie. She is beautiful and has been a heavenly being since she left my womb at just 10 weeks along. I am sad I never met her, she had to leave the day before I was supposed to see her on a sonogram monitor for the first time. The other two are so young. Only 3 months and 5 months old. Their names are Erin and Patrick. They too left my womb so early, but are happy and healthy now. Patrick was with me long enough so that I could see his pulsing heartbeat on a monitor before he grew wings and flew to Heaven. And finally, there is a glowing circle. A floating orb of life which hasn’t touched the land yet. This child was with me for only a short time and passed on New Years of this year. She will be able to join the other ones soon, her due date was supposed to be August 24, 2011. She will be an angel soon, but for now she just waits her turn. I call her Jocelyn.

These are my children. They are the older and younger siblings to my one precious angel that lives with me on Earth. I am honored that I was part of their lives even if it was just for a short time. One day, I know we will all be together again and I look forward to that day. That day will be the day that my life will be complete again.

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It’s after 11pm, and I am sitting here at the office trying to get something done. I am coming down with something though, and feeling very sloooowwwwwwww.
I made a few changes today. (Yes, we are back on the baby making topic) After the work day (8am to 6pm) was over I went and did a little grocery shopping. Food stuff. When I got home, I removed at least half of the crap I already had in my cabinets and refrigerator and replaced it with my more healthy choices that were bought today.. then I cooked a store bought pizza (I know.. not the best choice)
When I got back to the office this evening, I emptied my desk drawers of all my snacky stash. Kudos bars, salty peanuts, chex mix, peanut butter cookies (LOVE THOSE) and some random snack crackers. I never realized how deep my desk drawers were. Anyway, in the place of all that I put sunflower seeds, cashews and popcorn.. all sans salt. Then I enjoyed one last cookie for old time sake. No more junky junk for me.

Tomorrow I start a new journey. The one where I rid my body of the things making it sick. No more gluten, no more dairy, no more processed food garbage. I am done being the slightly overweight and majorly miserable. I want my life, body and health back.

Over the last few years there have been so many issues that have shown up. I went from being (so I thought) a healthy, active woman to this person with all the health problems. It all started with my Hub’s egg salad sandwiches. He made them all the time, and I loved them. But over a very short period of time, they were making me more and more sick. Jumping to right after Buggie was born, it was chicken that did me in. The first time it happened, I had eaten out. I actually called the restaurant and complained that I had received food poisoning from their food. I was horribly sick, and my face turned colors I had never seen before right before I passed out on the bathroom floor. Again, soon I became aware it was more than a bad case of salmonella.. it was me.

Next came beef, then bread, all dairy, etc. For almost 9 months, I ate nothing but baked fish and veggies. They were the only safe options.

I don’t know why I didn’t see a doctor and get tested for food allergies sooner than I did, but I chose not to. When the Hubs and I decided to try to conceive again, we tried for what seemed like years (and now it has been). We tried everything, and finally we were referred to an RE (Reproduction Endocrinologist). She tested us for everything under the sun, and we came out clean and problem free. But we still weren’t pregnant. Then finally the magic happened.. we conceived. And then we lost the pregnancy fairly quickly. We were devastated. We had waited so long for this. We tried again as soon as the doctor gave us the OK, and amazingly we conceived again, right away. This time, I went in for all the testing, monitoring, beta blood draws, etc. The blood work was looking good, my HCG was climbing, and around 6 weeks we were able to get an ultrasound done! The heartbeat pulsed on the bottom of the screen and we thought this is it, our baby is going to be fine. Two weeks later, we said goodbye to our little bug. Something wasn’t right. There was a heartbeat and yet we lost him.

The OB called me in for a blood draw; a big blood draw. 9 vials of blood to test for all sorts of things. It was a little scary. Sometimes there are things you just would rather not know. But all my test results came back fine, except one.
I was diagnosed with APS (Antiphospholipid Antibody Syndrome). It is a mouthful, but really just means my blood is super thick and clots easily, putting me at a high risk for blood clots, stroke, … and recurrent miscarriage. So, an answer!
We went on to get pregnant one more time, and I was treated from day one with blood thinners, and had a Maternal Fetal Specialist monitoring my progress regularly. Unfortunately this time the blood work showed a poorly developing pregnancy. At my age (36 for those who care) it’s a common thing, and I just had to accept that that pregnancy wasn’t meant to be either. So, that makes six pregnancies. Two angels left my body years before my Buggie was born, and three since. We haven’t tried again since New Year’s Eve 2011, when Angel #5 flew to heaven. We will try again soon.

Oh, and I finally got the food allergy and sensitivity panel completed. Guess what they said.. Celiac Disease. LOL Come on, seriously?? I got a 2nd opinon on that one, and a 3rd just for good measures. It was confirmed.. Lovely!!

So.. to sum it all up, this is where my ‘get my health back on track’ mission comes into play. I have spent a great deal of time down in the dumps the last 3 years, and gained some weight because of it all. This isn’t me. I want the old me back, and my Buggie deserves to have me at my best. So here goes! As of tomorrow sugar, dairy, processed foods, gluten and anything else that is horrible for me is history!

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