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Posts Tagged ‘Loss’

He is gone.  

 

Since my last post I was able to see my little baby around week 7, his heart beating strong on the screen, and his little blob of a body living inside me.  We made it to week 10.  I started feeling strange the day before the next appointment.  I knew that feeling.  I had been there 5 times before.  When I came into the doctor’s office for my 2nd ultrasound the baby had died.  I saw his little body on the screen.  He was much larger. He had grown well.  I don’t know why his heart had stopped beating.  No one does. He had passed away.  This was it.  Our last child and again, before we were able to meet him, he grew wings and went to heaven.

We are a family of 3.  No more, no less.  We have six angels living in heaven, waiting to meet us someday.  My heart is broken and my womb will never be full again.   

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I wonder what I would see. My fantasy about Heaven is beautiful and to be honest, I would rather keep it that way. The reality might not be what I want it to be.

In my fantasy Heaven, the air is clean, there is no traffic or cars for that matter. There are birds and animals and all the old pups that were part of our family are running amok enjoying the day. Swimming and playing, chewing on snacks all day. Kascha is there. She is the matriarch of the pack, as she always was. Abbie, Deuce and Harley are there too. They are just the way I remember them, only healthier and happy.

There are children too. Lots and lots of children of all ages. And though I have never met them or held their hands, I know which ones are mine. One is tall, almost 14 years old. He is handsome, yet lanky at this awkward age. His name is Dale. His hair is auburn and his eyes are green. He has been in Heaven his whole life, since he left my womb in the first trimester. Another one is there too. Her hair is dark and her eyes are intense, the color of amber. She just turned 6 years old, her birthday was supposed to be August 8th. Her name is Natalie. She is beautiful and has been a heavenly being since she left my womb at just 10 weeks along. I am sad I never met her, she had to leave the day before I was supposed to see her on a sonogram monitor for the first time. The other two are so young. Only 3 months and 5 months old. Their names are Erin and Patrick. They too left my womb so early, but are happy and healthy now. Patrick was with me long enough so that I could see his pulsing heartbeat on a monitor before he grew wings and flew to Heaven. And finally, there is a glowing circle. A floating orb of life which hasn’t touched the land yet. This child was with me for only a short time and passed on New Years of this year. She will be able to join the other ones soon, her due date was supposed to be August 24, 2011. She will be an angel soon, but for now she just waits her turn. I call her Jocelyn.

These are my children. They are the older and younger siblings to my one precious angel that lives with me on Earth. I am honored that I was part of their lives even if it was just for a short time. One day, I know we will all be together again and I look forward to that day. That day will be the day that my life will be complete again.

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