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It’s been going on for about two weeks now. I go to give the kiddo a bath and when I am done the kitchen is gleaming. Or I lay the kiddo down for bed, and when I am done, this man has just finished dusting. While these things are appealing to a tired working mom, it also makes me wonder. Where is my husband? If in fact, this big dude walking around my house CLEANING actually is my husband, what happened to him? Or better yet.. what has he done wrong that I will find out about later?
I want to be happy. Excited even. But I am scared. 😮

Seriously though, this is amazing! I actually see that I might have some free time in the future, if this continues. Free time!! What on Earth will I do with it?

So, Sugarbritches! If you ever get around to reading my blog again, know that I appreciate you. Thank you!!

I am totally lost

My paycheck was late again. Not 10 days late like last time, but late all the same. Money is tight, the state is on fire, my marriage is strained due to finances and stress, my asthma is flared up horribly, and my daughter is in a very trying phase… and I still want another child.

We are here. In less than two weeks we are supposed to begin trying to conceive another child, and I feel guilty about it. All the doctor’s visits, co-pays, possible medications, bills..bills..bills. Am I being selfish? Am I putting a strain on my already awesome family to grow our group by one more child? Will they resent me for this later?

I wish it weren’t so hard. I wish I were an irresponsible younger woman who would just jump at this opportunity and not think about the outcome. But I am not. I am at an ‘advanced maternal age’.. hence all the extra expenses of having another child, and the reason I have to think this situation through so much.

I hope it all works out the way it should. While I really truly want another child, I am keeping an open mind and will not force the issue if it doesn’t work out. (while secretly praying 53 times a day that it does work out). 🙂

I sure wish this were all easier.

I have a need to protect. It’s like a super woman alter ego inside of me is trying to bust out, cape and all.. and go crazy on the world.

Yesterday on the drive home from a camping trip, the wind sent our camper weaving all over the freeway. It was scary. All I could do was grip the Oh-Shit handles in the truck and hold on, praying that we would all be ok. All around us, there were idiots driving crazy, cutting us off and making the short hour and a half drive home more dangerous than it should have been. To the East.. and the West there were wildfires burning. The smoke was in the air and there were emergency vehicles going all directions. When we got closer to home, there were more fires.. and more drunk idiots and more wind, and more of everything that made me want to take my little family pod and go home, lock the doors and stand on guard with a shotgun and pepper spray. I even mentioned driving to the kennel where our dogs were being boarded, and breaking them out so we could all be together.

I needed my family together, safe and under one roof. I needed to know everyone was ok, and that if we had to evacuate, we would all go somewhere safe together.

This mentality started about 4 years ago. My child wasn’t born yet, but she was incubating. I knew at that point in my life nothing would ever harm her as long as I was around. I vowed to protect my child no matter what. Now, I feel the need to protect my whole family.. even pets. Some people might call me nuts, but I just call it being a mom.

Thank you to all the fire fighters, volunteers and citizens doing their part to help out right now. God Save Texas!

Did you hear Kim Kardashian got married? – Who is she and why do we care?
Did you hear Snooki lost weight? – Again.. who is she and good for her.

Where did we all go wrong? Why do we care that some person who became famous in a not so respectful way is getting married, on TV, and making millions for it while the rest of the world is suffering in the economic downturn. Why do we care enough to follow a TV show about dysfunction in society and think so much of these idiots to put one of them in the New Years Eve ball in Times Square?

There are so many other people or shows that I could talk about in this post, but to be honest, I just don’t care. I don’t watch the shows, or really know much about the people. I chose not to. I know enough to make my decision. I have enough drama, turmoil, happiness and life going on right here. I don’t feel the need to watch “reality” on television. But I have to admit, there sure are a lot of “reality shows” to chose from today, much more so than other more entertaining scripted shows. Have writers forgotten how to write?

What happened to the world? Why are people so absorbed into this false reality? Wake up people! Get on with your own lives, handle your own business, take care of your families and work on yourself.

My family doesn’t watch television. It is just a choice we made. We don’t spend the extra money on cable television channels, we don’t tune into local programming either. It saves us money, and we don’t have to deal with commercials. The only thing we subscribe to is Netflix. We can chose movies or television shows to watch when we want to, our lives aren’t set to the programming schedules. My child isn’t exposed to advertisements that might influence her choices, and we don’t have to see a gazillion commercials about fast food either. It is actually nice. Plus, no previews for the crap broadcasting that seems to be the norm right now.

The Coffee Fairy

After a week like this week, I am emotionally drained and in a funk. I promised myself I would find something good about today and climb out of this mental hole I am in.
On my way to work, I walk past a coffee shop. It is an awesome little coffee shop and I am tempted to walk in every day. I need to get back to eating better, so I swore I wouldn’t stop in for a morning coffee (with all the frills), but for some reason I just walked right in. I didn’t even think twice.
There were 3 or 4 people in there plugged into lap tops or readers or some sort of electronic morning news source. I walked up to the counter and was greeted by one of the ladies that is rarely in when I am in the store. I ordered my usual (though I don’t even know the name of it) and waited, all the while eyeballing the chocolate chip cookies in the case next to me.
About a minute after arriving there a woman came in and stood in line behind me. I moved over a little so she could see the menu board and share the counter. I caught a few sideways glances and managed a small smile in her direction. She was a little older, auburn hair and friendly eyes. And based on the greeting she received from the clerk, she was a regular as well.
My order was presented on the counter, and I slumped. It was not my usual order. The woman placed a cup of coffee on the counter, iced. And a jug of soy milk. It wasn’t what I usually received. I was confused and expressed my confusion gently. I am no coffee aficionado, and had no idea that what was on the counter in front of me was my usual order, just in two parts. Once it was figured out, and I was happy again, the lady next to me announced her order and informed the clerk that she would be paying for my order as well. Who does that?? I asked “why me”, and she said because she wanted to.

I have to admit, I nearly cried. In fact, later on I did a little (and I am tearing up just trying to type this out). I am an emotional mess this week, and some little random act of kindness just did me in. I don’t know why she felt the need to pay the $5 for some strangers coffee and breakfast snack. Did she see the pain in my eyes, or the hole in the knee of my pants and thought it would be something I needed. Or was she just paying it forward. Did she know money was tight and this little coffee treat was my last purchase of the ‘eating out’ type that I would do until next payday? Did she know that just yesterday I sat at my desk crying after writing my latest blog entry? Doubtful, but maybe she just sensed I needed someone to brush past my life and prove that people are good and kind, and to teach me a little lesson about being so self absorbed. Yes, my problems are big.. to me. But others have much worse to deal with.. much much worse.

Did I learn something from this Coffee Fairy? Yes I did. Thank you Coffee Fairy! I just don’t feel like the “thank you” I said in the shop was even close to enough. You didn’t just buy me coffee, you taught me something. I hope I run into you again someday, and maybe I can buy you a coffee too.

Now it is my turn. I will do my best to keep this good feeling going, and will be on the lookout for someone who needs a helping hand. Happy Friday to the Coffee Fairy and to all the lovely ladies at Star Co. Coffee.

I wonder what I would see. My fantasy about Heaven is beautiful and to be honest, I would rather keep it that way. The reality might not be what I want it to be.

In my fantasy Heaven, the air is clean, there is no traffic or cars for that matter. There are birds and animals and all the old pups that were part of our family are running amok enjoying the day. Swimming and playing, chewing on snacks all day. Kascha is there. She is the matriarch of the pack, as she always was. Abbie, Deuce and Harley are there too. They are just the way I remember them, only healthier and happy.

There are children too. Lots and lots of children of all ages. And though I have never met them or held their hands, I know which ones are mine. One is tall, almost 14 years old. He is handsome, yet lanky at this awkward age. His name is Dale. His hair is auburn and his eyes are green. He has been in Heaven his whole life, since he left my womb in the first trimester. Another one is there too. Her hair is dark and her eyes are intense, the color of amber. She just turned 6 years old, her birthday was supposed to be August 8th. Her name is Natalie. She is beautiful and has been a heavenly being since she left my womb at just 10 weeks along. I am sad I never met her, she had to leave the day before I was supposed to see her on a sonogram monitor for the first time. The other two are so young. Only 3 months and 5 months old. Their names are Erin and Patrick. They too left my womb so early, but are happy and healthy now. Patrick was with me long enough so that I could see his pulsing heartbeat on a monitor before he grew wings and flew to Heaven. And finally, there is a glowing circle. A floating orb of life which hasn’t touched the land yet. This child was with me for only a short time and passed on New Years of this year. She will be able to join the other ones soon, her due date was supposed to be August 24, 2011. She will be an angel soon, but for now she just waits her turn. I call her Jocelyn.

These are my children. They are the older and younger siblings to my one precious angel that lives with me on Earth. I am honored that I was part of their lives even if it was just for a short time. One day, I know we will all be together again and I look forward to that day. That day will be the day that my life will be complete again.

Let’s start with the relief. My blood isn’t totally broken. In fact, it is just the way it has always been. The report was “slightly elevated anticardiolipin IGM antibody”. Funny thing is, this has always been the report.

So to the pissed off part… why was I diagnosed with APS. Why was a sat down last September and told to brace myself before being told I had a disease (that I truly do not have)?

Why have I been to two different Hematologists and a Maternal Fetal Specialist and no one is on the same page with what is wrong with my blood? Why have I had to give over 28 vials of blood so far and there be such confusion?

I have to admit, I am really losing faith in the medical community. My husband makes this joke (though it isn’t a joke); “That is why they call them PRACTICING physicians”.

So, I shall continue to take my aspirin daily, since I have elevated coagulants. Otherwise, I guess everything comes on a case by case basis from now on. I am sure after surgeries and during pregnancies I will be monitored more often, but I no longer have the label!

Onward I go.. with no more knowledge today than I had yesterday. Peace out!