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He is gone.  

 

Since my last post I was able to see my little baby around week 7, his heart beating strong on the screen, and his little blob of a body living inside me.  We made it to week 10.  I started feeling strange the day before the next appointment.  I knew that feeling.  I had been there 5 times before.  When I came into the doctor’s office for my 2nd ultrasound the baby had died.  I saw his little body on the screen.  He was much larger. He had grown well.  I don’t know why his heart had stopped beating.  No one does. He had passed away.  This was it.  Our last child and again, before we were able to meet him, he grew wings and went to heaven.

We are a family of 3.  No more, no less.  We have six angels living in heaven, waiting to meet us someday.  My heart is broken and my womb will never be full again.   

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I have ‘friends’ in my life. Some are in my life more than others are. Some I don’t know how I ever had anything in common with.
Take lunch today. I spent upwards of an hour listening to the sexual endeavors of a ‘friend’. It was nauseating. Sure, everyone loves a good story of pursuit. But this was over the top and involved more than two parties. Maybe I have been married too long, but I didn’t find anything appealing about the lifestyle being described. I felt so happy knowing I have a steady man in my life.

Also, a few days ago, I am fairly sure I “broke up” with someone that I thought was a fairly good friend. There comes a time in life, where you just can’t support certain people and the life they lead. I was sad, I have to admit. But I know I am going to be OK. I just hope she gets her head straight. Once she realizes her decisions are all her own, she will be in a better place. Excusing behavior because she had a certain upbringing, or because of the weather, PMS or depression has to stop. She makes her own path.. and walks down it all on her own free will. Sadly she is leaving broken people in her wake and I just can’t sit there and see her break another man to pieces because of her selfishness.

I guess I am realizing I am pretty much friendless, and I am OK with that. It is better for me to realize this now, than to waste my time and energy trying to foster relationships that just won’t last. The funny part is that both of these people were friends in my past. And in the past, there was a falling out with both of them at different times. This was our second attempt at friendship. Sometimes its just best to leave well enough alone.

I have my family. That is all I will ever need. Sadly, both of these women do not have a family. Both have sworn off men at one time or another, or had relationships they just couldn’t maintain. And both are childless. I feel sorry for them in this respect. They don’t know what real love and true friendship really is.

Best of luck to them both.

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Did you hear Kim Kardashian got married? – Who is she and why do we care?
Did you hear Snooki lost weight? – Again.. who is she and good for her.

Where did we all go wrong? Why do we care that some person who became famous in a not so respectful way is getting married, on TV, and making millions for it while the rest of the world is suffering in the economic downturn. Why do we care enough to follow a TV show about dysfunction in society and think so much of these idiots to put one of them in the New Years Eve ball in Times Square?

There are so many other people or shows that I could talk about in this post, but to be honest, I just don’t care. I don’t watch the shows, or really know much about the people. I chose not to. I know enough to make my decision. I have enough drama, turmoil, happiness and life going on right here. I don’t feel the need to watch “reality” on television. But I have to admit, there sure are a lot of “reality shows” to chose from today, much more so than other more entertaining scripted shows. Have writers forgotten how to write?

What happened to the world? Why are people so absorbed into this false reality? Wake up people! Get on with your own lives, handle your own business, take care of your families and work on yourself.

My family doesn’t watch television. It is just a choice we made. We don’t spend the extra money on cable television channels, we don’t tune into local programming either. It saves us money, and we don’t have to deal with commercials. The only thing we subscribe to is Netflix. We can chose movies or television shows to watch when we want to, our lives aren’t set to the programming schedules. My child isn’t exposed to advertisements that might influence her choices, and we don’t have to see a gazillion commercials about fast food either. It is actually nice. Plus, no previews for the crap broadcasting that seems to be the norm right now.

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Let’s start with the relief. My blood isn’t totally broken. In fact, it is just the way it has always been. The report was “slightly elevated anticardiolipin IGM antibody”. Funny thing is, this has always been the report.

So to the pissed off part… why was I diagnosed with APS. Why was a sat down last September and told to brace myself before being told I had a disease (that I truly do not have)?

Why have I been to two different Hematologists and a Maternal Fetal Specialist and no one is on the same page with what is wrong with my blood? Why have I had to give over 28 vials of blood so far and there be such confusion?

I have to admit, I am really losing faith in the medical community. My husband makes this joke (though it isn’t a joke); “That is why they call them PRACTICING physicians”.

So, I shall continue to take my aspirin daily, since I have elevated coagulants. Otherwise, I guess everything comes on a case by case basis from now on. I am sure after surgeries and during pregnancies I will be monitored more often, but I no longer have the label!

Onward I go.. with no more knowledge today than I had yesterday. Peace out!

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Webster defines disappointment like this:

dis·ap·point·ment   [dis-uh-point-muhnt]
noun
1. the act or fact of disappointing: All of his efforts only led to the disappointment of his supporters.
2. the state or feeling of being disappointed: Her disappointment was very great when she didn’t get the job.
3. a person or thing that disappoints: The play was a disappointment.

Synonyms
1. failure, defeat, frustration.

I define it like this:

1. The act of giving everything I have, going above and beyond, being there at all hours, blood, sweat and tears, and a bag of chips… only to be used up and taken for granted.

2. Taking a position of respect only to be disrespected.

3. Being the best I can be only to be left out in the cold (or the rain).

4. Taking one for the team, time and time again without support or reinforcements.

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There really isn’t a main topic to this rant. It is a general, all inclusive rant really. I am so annoyed with our Government.

I am annoyed because:
– We are in serious debt.
– The Public School System
– Aspartame was approved by the FDA??
– The teachers are getting fired and school budgets are getting cut.
– The public schools in the US have huge budgets for sports fields and buildings, but our science labs and libraries do not.
– Our food is contaminated.
– Our Police Officers, Firemen, Medics, Teachers and Soldiers have some of the smallest incomes in the country but in my opinion are some of the most important people.
– Pathetic (No) Maternity Leave.
– Expensive Health Care. (PS: Thanks for requiring us to have it, so the insurance companies could charge more for it.. Awesome!)
– The Welfare System.
– Social Security is a Scam
– If you are a Caucasian from a middle income family, it is almost impossible to get scholarships or grants for college… so play a sport and play it well.
– Lack of Benefits on (excessively expensive) healthcare plans.
– The monopoly of certain companies (previously named in my blog) and their intimate relationship with certain departments of the government.
– Our justice system sucks.
– Drug tests still aren’t required for Welfare approval.
– How did we get in debt again??

I could go on all day. Why is the land of the free and home of the brave so screwed up? Why are the “Brave” treated like garbage when they return from war, and paid so little for the job they do. Why are they not taken care of financially and especially mentally when they return from doing the tasks assigned to them. Stand up Mr. President. Do something worthwhile. Give these men and women the help they need.

Mr. President, I guess I just don’t get it all. Yes, there are a ton of issues to work out when running a country, but that is why you have multitudes of departments and branches to do the work for you. Where is your backbone? You chose to run for president. Why? To fire teachers, not pay soldiers, continue to allow our country to serve tainted food and poorly developed products to our children? You should know how bad the school systems are.. you have children. Oh, yes. They don’t go to the public schools. Mine won’t either, because I want them to have a good education and not have to deal with gang violence and bullying like I did growing up.
Or maybe it was to set new taxes or screw up our health care system more than it was.

Take my family, a small family of three living on what I like to call a middle American income. They take out the $1500 we have to pay per month to cover a family of three with health care and the approximately 30% in taxes (lets not forget our Social Security Scam payment too). By the time it is all said and done, we struggle. We wish to have another child, because we are hard working Americans who both hold jobs, are educated and deserve to bring another member of society into the world to make a difference. Well, we have issues getting pregnant and staying pregnant. Fertility help is not covered by insurance. So, we have to pay extra to try and have one more child to make our family whole. All the while, we are paying our taxes and helping to support the multitude of people that are having children for free, and also getting welfare assistance to feed those children for free, and free lunches/breakfasts at school.. and eventually a discounted college education if those children go to college as well as all the non-members of society who sit in prison and live off of our government as well. I’m sorry to stray from my story. So, back to the topic (if there ever was one), we work hard. We want the best for our family, but we are strained. We bought our home in a foreclosure sale, we only own one vehicle that is financed. We have very little debt other than student loans, thanks to having a balanced budget and living within our means (maybe your finance department should hire consultants from the real world of hard working Americans) and just want to live the “American Dream” but that is becoming more and more of a fairy tale.

In short, you are providing us, the American People, a disservice during your presidency. The government sucks at being there for the PEOPLE. I would really like a clear explanation for where all the money goes and why we are in such a bad place. The day the government decided everyone had to carry mandatory health care, the last straw of the Free World went out the window. Don’t you get it?? Those of us who can afford health care already had it. Now that it is required, no one can afford it. And soon, with changes like this, there will be more people on Welfare, more homes in foreclosure and more people riding the system. Think of the domino effect you are creating.

Get your stuff together. When you make decisions, think about how they effect Americans as a whole, not how it effects your good buddies in the big houses up the hill. Think about us. We are America.

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My family, my home, my garden, my vehicle, my continuing education, my health, my pets, my fitness goals, my food intake, my other projects, my yard, and my blog.

I feel like a bad parent and wife. Work has gotten so busy lately and now I have no time for anything. For the past 2-3 weeks I have worked late (midnight-2am-ish) a few nights a week, at least. On the weekends I come back to work. My husband has been doing a good job of being Mister Mom but the child needs a mother and the house needs a wife. My home is a wreck. Dirty.. filthy really. The bedding needs changing, the bathrooms need scrubbing and the floors are horrendous.

Just to be clear, I am not one of those that strives to be the best of the best at work. My career is important.. AFTER my family. I want to be good at what I do, but I will not bend over backwards on a regular basis to get to the next level. I do good work, I do my best. That will be more than enough to get me to the level I want to be at. But from time to time I have deadlines.. and those deadlines interfere with my personal life.

I hope my child understands someday. I hope that my time away is short, and only proves that sometimes you have to make sacrifices and work a little harder to get the job done right. I hope it makes her stronger and wiser.

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