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Archive for the ‘Pregnancy’ Category

He is gone.  

 

Since my last post I was able to see my little baby around week 7, his heart beating strong on the screen, and his little blob of a body living inside me.  We made it to week 10.  I started feeling strange the day before the next appointment.  I knew that feeling.  I had been there 5 times before.  When I came into the doctor’s office for my 2nd ultrasound the baby had died.  I saw his little body on the screen.  He was much larger. He had grown well.  I don’t know why his heart had stopped beating.  No one does. He had passed away.  This was it.  Our last child and again, before we were able to meet him, he grew wings and went to heaven.

We are a family of 3.  No more, no less.  We have six angels living in heaven, waiting to meet us someday.  My heart is broken and my womb will never be full again.   

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That is when I will see the newest member of our family.  I need to see this child.  I need to see his (or her) little heartbeat on the screen.  I need it.  There is no way for me to explain to another person how this need feels.  But it is there, as true and real as the Earth itself.  I have needed this for a very long time, and finally my prayers have been answered.  

I know this is meant to be.  It is finally my turn to have another child.  

Thank you God for answering my prayers and the repetitive, adorable and bubbly prayers of my daughter.  She will be so happy.  Thank you, Thank you, Thank you!!! 

 

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I am, per some special calculation, 5 weeks and 5 days pregnant. So much has happened in these few weeks. I can feel my body taking over and doing what it is meant to do. Things hurt, other things don’t, and overall I am just exhausted. I love it! I remember when I was pregnant with my daughter, I was just oblivious to pregnancy symptoms. I was just so happy to be pregnant and so excited that she was a surprise.
This time I have tried so hard and waited so long. My mind and body are so in-tune now. It’s like I can almost feel my body creating life. It is so beautiful!

This is my last pregnancy. I have given so much of my time and my life to create life one more time. I look forward to every moment of this pregnancy. Every twinge, every pain, every dry-heave, every aching muscle and every kick. This is mine and I deserve it!

Next week, I get to see this little one on screen. I am taking my daughter with me so the doctor can tell her that she will finally be a sister. She is going to be so excited!

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I’m Pregnant.  We did it.. Again.  Pregnancy number 7 is underway.  And this time, it is going to work out.  I was nervous at first.  Paranoid actually.  But things feel different this time.  

The most miraculous part of this… this was our last round to try to conceive naturally.  Next month we were slotted to go through an IUI, then call it quits for good.  So amazing. 

Monday, February 13th was when it started.  I was at work and feeling like I was going to hurl on my keyboard.  Then noticed the aching in my breasts.  My sinuses were annoyed and I knew, either I was pregnant or getting sick.  So, I ran to Walgreens at lunch and bought a test. Sure enough! Pregnant.  🙂  Such a beautiful little pee stick! I told my husband that night.  We were both cautiously optimistic, but knew the odds were against us.  

Each day that has gone by, things have changed.  I am full of good yet annoying pregnancy symptoms.  The pregnancy tests keep getting darker (yes I still test.. don’t judge!).  Things feel good.  Things feel normal for a healthy pregnancy.  I am feeling more and more optimistic everyday.  

The morning of February 14th, my 4 year old walks into the bathroom where i am standing at the mirror.  She reaches up and rubs my belly and say “is my brother in there?”  I had to take a step back to catch myself.  What a little crazy girl.  I didn’t tell her yet, but somehow she knows something.  I love that special little child.. my one beautiful child on Earth.

I am almost 5 weeks along.  Still so very early, but I look forward to the rest of this journey.  

 

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It has been three years and 7 months since this journey began. For exactly 43 months we have been trying to have another child. There have been ups and downs, and overall the entire process has been stressful and very hard on our marriage. In the past 3 years and 7 months, we have lost 3 pregnancies. Add those to the 2 pregnancies I lost before our child was born, and well.. I am tired to say the least. I am tired of my hopes fluctuating up and down and the stress and fear of the ‘what ifs’.

I made a decision awhile back to close the book on this chapter in life. It was hard to do. We set a date.. a final date. Our plan was to try through the end of the year, and call it quits. Drop the subject, move on and enjoy life as a family of three.

I am luckier than some. There are some women who try for decades and walk away empty handed. I have a gorgeous (almost) 4 year old to spoil and love for eternity. I hurt for those women who have no child to hold. I wish we could all get what we want, have the families we dreamed of and live happy and healthy lives. But that isn’t always the plan I suppose.

The mister and I had the talk last night. We knew our time was coming to an end. About a week ago I proposed one last option… IUI. It is a subject we have talked about before. In fact we had planned to go through with it once early last year, and then I miraculously got pregnant. But as the story goes, that didn’t work out so well.

So, the plan is set. We keep trying until February and if nothing happens on it’s own by then, we endure one round of IUI fertility treatment.. then we walk away. Pregnant or not. We will be done and will never look back.

After a heavy breakdown last night, I am surprisingly ok with this plan. There is a end point, something I think everyone needs for sanity’s sake. When that day comes, and if we didn’t succeed in growing our family, I will be fine. For the past 3+ years I have not started anything new, for fear I wouldn’t be able to finish it. I thought about training for a 5k, or a triathlon, but I didn’t. I want to take a trip with just my husband to someplace ‘adult like’.. maybe Vegas or a cruise. But I didn’t plan it because I might be pregnant or breastfeeding a little one.

I am ready to move on. It will hurt so badly if we are not successful, but that pain will fade. I need to move on, for my sake as well as my family. They need me, and for the past 3+ years I haven’t been there 100%. I will mourn the loss of my fertility, my womb that will go unused for the rest of my life, but I will have more energy and focus to celebrate my wonderful family and the future we have together.

Please send positive thoughts.. one way or another, I will need them all. Thank you.

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My paycheck was late again. Not 10 days late like last time, but late all the same. Money is tight, the state is on fire, my marriage is strained due to finances and stress, my asthma is flared up horribly, and my daughter is in a very trying phase… and I still want another child.

We are here. In less than two weeks we are supposed to begin trying to conceive another child, and I feel guilty about it. All the doctor’s visits, co-pays, possible medications, bills..bills..bills. Am I being selfish? Am I putting a strain on my already awesome family to grow our group by one more child? Will they resent me for this later?

I wish it weren’t so hard. I wish I were an irresponsible younger woman who would just jump at this opportunity and not think about the outcome. But I am not. I am at an ‘advanced maternal age’.. hence all the extra expenses of having another child, and the reason I have to think this situation through so much.

I hope it all works out the way it should. While I really truly want another child, I am keeping an open mind and will not force the issue if it doesn’t work out. (while secretly praying 53 times a day that it does work out). 🙂

I sure wish this were all easier.

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I wonder what I would see. My fantasy about Heaven is beautiful and to be honest, I would rather keep it that way. The reality might not be what I want it to be.

In my fantasy Heaven, the air is clean, there is no traffic or cars for that matter. There are birds and animals and all the old pups that were part of our family are running amok enjoying the day. Swimming and playing, chewing on snacks all day. Kascha is there. She is the matriarch of the pack, as she always was. Abbie, Deuce and Harley are there too. They are just the way I remember them, only healthier and happy.

There are children too. Lots and lots of children of all ages. And though I have never met them or held their hands, I know which ones are mine. One is tall, almost 14 years old. He is handsome, yet lanky at this awkward age. His name is Dale. His hair is auburn and his eyes are green. He has been in Heaven his whole life, since he left my womb in the first trimester. Another one is there too. Her hair is dark and her eyes are intense, the color of amber. She just turned 6 years old, her birthday was supposed to be August 8th. Her name is Natalie. She is beautiful and has been a heavenly being since she left my womb at just 10 weeks along. I am sad I never met her, she had to leave the day before I was supposed to see her on a sonogram monitor for the first time. The other two are so young. Only 3 months and 5 months old. Their names are Erin and Patrick. They too left my womb so early, but are happy and healthy now. Patrick was with me long enough so that I could see his pulsing heartbeat on a monitor before he grew wings and flew to Heaven. And finally, there is a glowing circle. A floating orb of life which hasn’t touched the land yet. This child was with me for only a short time and passed on New Years of this year. She will be able to join the other ones soon, her due date was supposed to be August 24, 2011. She will be an angel soon, but for now she just waits her turn. I call her Jocelyn.

These are my children. They are the older and younger siblings to my one precious angel that lives with me on Earth. I am honored that I was part of their lives even if it was just for a short time. One day, I know we will all be together again and I look forward to that day. That day will be the day that my life will be complete again.

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