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Archive for the ‘Medical’ Category

He is gone.  

 

Since my last post I was able to see my little baby around week 7, his heart beating strong on the screen, and his little blob of a body living inside me.  We made it to week 10.  I started feeling strange the day before the next appointment.  I knew that feeling.  I had been there 5 times before.  When I came into the doctor’s office for my 2nd ultrasound the baby had died.  I saw his little body on the screen.  He was much larger. He had grown well.  I don’t know why his heart had stopped beating.  No one does. He had passed away.  This was it.  Our last child and again, before we were able to meet him, he grew wings and went to heaven.

We are a family of 3.  No more, no less.  We have six angels living in heaven, waiting to meet us someday.  My heart is broken and my womb will never be full again.   

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I am, per some special calculation, 5 weeks and 5 days pregnant. So much has happened in these few weeks. I can feel my body taking over and doing what it is meant to do. Things hurt, other things don’t, and overall I am just exhausted. I love it! I remember when I was pregnant with my daughter, I was just oblivious to pregnancy symptoms. I was just so happy to be pregnant and so excited that she was a surprise.
This time I have tried so hard and waited so long. My mind and body are so in-tune now. It’s like I can almost feel my body creating life. It is so beautiful!

This is my last pregnancy. I have given so much of my time and my life to create life one more time. I look forward to every moment of this pregnancy. Every twinge, every pain, every dry-heave, every aching muscle and every kick. This is mine and I deserve it!

Next week, I get to see this little one on screen. I am taking my daughter with me so the doctor can tell her that she will finally be a sister. She is going to be so excited!

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God it hurts. It hurts so bad, but I am addicted to it. I did some really cool moves and tried my best to ‘pose’ as I was instructed, but I know I looked foolish. It is OK, it is dark in there. Candle light sweaty yoga! The perfect opportunity for a slightly overweight, completely unbalanced, out of shape mom like me to do the best I can without being overly watched and ridiculed.

Things are changing. I have only been going for a little over a week. My body feels differently. Things move farther and more freely than they did before. I feel good!! But I have so far to go still.

Other things are changing too. I ovulated 3 days sooner than normal. My bowels are regulating. My sciatic pain is back.. to add a negative to the mix. Surely it will work itself out in another session or two. My moods are getting better. My ability to rationalize with my budding toddler has improved, and the time between frustrated and boiling over has increased dramatically.

I think I found a lifelong project. A forever program. I love me some Yoga!!

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Let’s start with the relief. My blood isn’t totally broken. In fact, it is just the way it has always been. The report was “slightly elevated anticardiolipin IGM antibody”. Funny thing is, this has always been the report.

So to the pissed off part… why was I diagnosed with APS. Why was a sat down last September and told to brace myself before being told I had a disease (that I truly do not have)?

Why have I been to two different Hematologists and a Maternal Fetal Specialist and no one is on the same page with what is wrong with my blood? Why have I had to give over 28 vials of blood so far and there be such confusion?

I have to admit, I am really losing faith in the medical community. My husband makes this joke (though it isn’t a joke); “That is why they call them PRACTICING physicians”.

So, I shall continue to take my aspirin daily, since I have elevated coagulants. Otherwise, I guess everything comes on a case by case basis from now on. I am sure after surgeries and during pregnancies I will be monitored more often, but I no longer have the label!

Onward I go.. with no more knowledge today than I had yesterday. Peace out!

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