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Archive for September, 2011

My paycheck was late again. Not 10 days late like last time, but late all the same. Money is tight, the state is on fire, my marriage is strained due to finances and stress, my asthma is flared up horribly, and my daughter is in a very trying phase… and I still want another child.

We are here. In less than two weeks we are supposed to begin trying to conceive another child, and I feel guilty about it. All the doctor’s visits, co-pays, possible medications, bills..bills..bills. Am I being selfish? Am I putting a strain on my already awesome family to grow our group by one more child? Will they resent me for this later?

I wish it weren’t so hard. I wish I were an irresponsible younger woman who would just jump at this opportunity and not think about the outcome. But I am not. I am at an ‘advanced maternal age’.. hence all the extra expenses of having another child, and the reason I have to think this situation through so much.

I hope it all works out the way it should. While I really truly want another child, I am keeping an open mind and will not force the issue if it doesn’t work out. (while secretly praying 53 times a day that it does work out). 🙂

I sure wish this were all easier.

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I have a need to protect. It’s like a super woman alter ego inside of me is trying to bust out, cape and all.. and go crazy on the world.

Yesterday on the drive home from a camping trip, the wind sent our camper weaving all over the freeway. It was scary. All I could do was grip the Oh-Shit handles in the truck and hold on, praying that we would all be ok. All around us, there were idiots driving crazy, cutting us off and making the short hour and a half drive home more dangerous than it should have been. To the East.. and the West there were wildfires burning. The smoke was in the air and there were emergency vehicles going all directions. When we got closer to home, there were more fires.. and more drunk idiots and more wind, and more of everything that made me want to take my little family pod and go home, lock the doors and stand on guard with a shotgun and pepper spray. I even mentioned driving to the kennel where our dogs were being boarded, and breaking them out so we could all be together.

I needed my family together, safe and under one roof. I needed to know everyone was ok, and that if we had to evacuate, we would all go somewhere safe together.

This mentality started about 4 years ago. My child wasn’t born yet, but she was incubating. I knew at that point in my life nothing would ever harm her as long as I was around. I vowed to protect my child no matter what. Now, I feel the need to protect my whole family.. even pets. Some people might call me nuts, but I just call it being a mom.

Thank you to all the fire fighters, volunteers and citizens doing their part to help out right now. God Save Texas!

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