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Archive for August, 2011

Did you hear Kim Kardashian got married? – Who is she and why do we care?
Did you hear Snooki lost weight? – Again.. who is she and good for her.

Where did we all go wrong? Why do we care that some person who became famous in a not so respectful way is getting married, on TV, and making millions for it while the rest of the world is suffering in the economic downturn. Why do we care enough to follow a TV show about dysfunction in society and think so much of these idiots to put one of them in the New Years Eve ball in Times Square?

There are so many other people or shows that I could talk about in this post, but to be honest, I just don’t care. I don’t watch the shows, or really know much about the people. I chose not to. I know enough to make my decision. I have enough drama, turmoil, happiness and life going on right here. I don’t feel the need to watch “reality” on television. But I have to admit, there sure are a lot of “reality shows” to chose from today, much more so than other more entertaining scripted shows. Have writers forgotten how to write?

What happened to the world? Why are people so absorbed into this false reality? Wake up people! Get on with your own lives, handle your own business, take care of your families and work on yourself.

My family doesn’t watch television. It is just a choice we made. We don’t spend the extra money on cable television channels, we don’t tune into local programming either. It saves us money, and we don’t have to deal with commercials. The only thing we subscribe to is Netflix. We can chose movies or television shows to watch when we want to, our lives aren’t set to the programming schedules. My child isn’t exposed to advertisements that might influence her choices, and we don’t have to see a gazillion commercials about fast food either. It is actually nice. Plus, no previews for the crap broadcasting that seems to be the norm right now.

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After a week like this week, I am emotionally drained and in a funk. I promised myself I would find something good about today and climb out of this mental hole I am in.
On my way to work, I walk past a coffee shop. It is an awesome little coffee shop and I am tempted to walk in every day. I need to get back to eating better, so I swore I wouldn’t stop in for a morning coffee (with all the frills), but for some reason I just walked right in. I didn’t even think twice.
There were 3 or 4 people in there plugged into lap tops or readers or some sort of electronic morning news source. I walked up to the counter and was greeted by one of the ladies that is rarely in when I am in the store. I ordered my usual (though I don’t even know the name of it) and waited, all the while eyeballing the chocolate chip cookies in the case next to me.
About a minute after arriving there a woman came in and stood in line behind me. I moved over a little so she could see the menu board and share the counter. I caught a few sideways glances and managed a small smile in her direction. She was a little older, auburn hair and friendly eyes. And based on the greeting she received from the clerk, she was a regular as well.
My order was presented on the counter, and I slumped. It was not my usual order. The woman placed a cup of coffee on the counter, iced. And a jug of soy milk. It wasn’t what I usually received. I was confused and expressed my confusion gently. I am no coffee aficionado, and had no idea that what was on the counter in front of me was my usual order, just in two parts. Once it was figured out, and I was happy again, the lady next to me announced her order and informed the clerk that she would be paying for my order as well. Who does that?? I asked “why me”, and she said because she wanted to.

I have to admit, I nearly cried. In fact, later on I did a little (and I am tearing up just trying to type this out). I am an emotional mess this week, and some little random act of kindness just did me in. I don’t know why she felt the need to pay the $5 for some strangers coffee and breakfast snack. Did she see the pain in my eyes, or the hole in the knee of my pants and thought it would be something I needed. Or was she just paying it forward. Did she know money was tight and this little coffee treat was my last purchase of the ‘eating out’ type that I would do until next payday? Did she know that just yesterday I sat at my desk crying after writing my latest blog entry? Doubtful, but maybe she just sensed I needed someone to brush past my life and prove that people are good and kind, and to teach me a little lesson about being so self absorbed. Yes, my problems are big.. to me. But others have much worse to deal with.. much much worse.

Did I learn something from this Coffee Fairy? Yes I did. Thank you Coffee Fairy! I just don’t feel like the “thank you” I said in the shop was even close to enough. You didn’t just buy me coffee, you taught me something. I hope I run into you again someday, and maybe I can buy you a coffee too.

Now it is my turn. I will do my best to keep this good feeling going, and will be on the lookout for someone who needs a helping hand. Happy Friday to the Coffee Fairy and to all the lovely ladies at Star Co. Coffee.

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I wonder what I would see. My fantasy about Heaven is beautiful and to be honest, I would rather keep it that way. The reality might not be what I want it to be.

In my fantasy Heaven, the air is clean, there is no traffic or cars for that matter. There are birds and animals and all the old pups that were part of our family are running amok enjoying the day. Swimming and playing, chewing on snacks all day. Kascha is there. She is the matriarch of the pack, as she always was. Abbie, Deuce and Harley are there too. They are just the way I remember them, only healthier and happy.

There are children too. Lots and lots of children of all ages. And though I have never met them or held their hands, I know which ones are mine. One is tall, almost 14 years old. He is handsome, yet lanky at this awkward age. His name is Dale. His hair is auburn and his eyes are green. He has been in Heaven his whole life, since he left my womb in the first trimester. Another one is there too. Her hair is dark and her eyes are intense, the color of amber. She just turned 6 years old, her birthday was supposed to be August 8th. Her name is Natalie. She is beautiful and has been a heavenly being since she left my womb at just 10 weeks along. I am sad I never met her, she had to leave the day before I was supposed to see her on a sonogram monitor for the first time. The other two are so young. Only 3 months and 5 months old. Their names are Erin and Patrick. They too left my womb so early, but are happy and healthy now. Patrick was with me long enough so that I could see his pulsing heartbeat on a monitor before he grew wings and flew to Heaven. And finally, there is a glowing circle. A floating orb of life which hasn’t touched the land yet. This child was with me for only a short time and passed on New Years of this year. She will be able to join the other ones soon, her due date was supposed to be August 24, 2011. She will be an angel soon, but for now she just waits her turn. I call her Jocelyn.

These are my children. They are the older and younger siblings to my one precious angel that lives with me on Earth. I am honored that I was part of their lives even if it was just for a short time. One day, I know we will all be together again and I look forward to that day. That day will be the day that my life will be complete again.

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Let’s start with the relief. My blood isn’t totally broken. In fact, it is just the way it has always been. The report was “slightly elevated anticardiolipin IGM antibody”. Funny thing is, this has always been the report.

So to the pissed off part… why was I diagnosed with APS. Why was a sat down last September and told to brace myself before being told I had a disease (that I truly do not have)?

Why have I been to two different Hematologists and a Maternal Fetal Specialist and no one is on the same page with what is wrong with my blood? Why have I had to give over 28 vials of blood so far and there be such confusion?

I have to admit, I am really losing faith in the medical community. My husband makes this joke (though it isn’t a joke); “That is why they call them PRACTICING physicians”.

So, I shall continue to take my aspirin daily, since I have elevated coagulants. Otherwise, I guess everything comes on a case by case basis from now on. I am sure after surgeries and during pregnancies I will be monitored more often, but I no longer have the label!

Onward I go.. with no more knowledge today than I had yesterday. Peace out!

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Webster defines disappointment like this:

dis·ap·point·ment   [dis-uh-point-muhnt]
noun
1. the act or fact of disappointing: All of his efforts only led to the disappointment of his supporters.
2. the state or feeling of being disappointed: Her disappointment was very great when she didn’t get the job.
3. a person or thing that disappoints: The play was a disappointment.

Synonyms
1. failure, defeat, frustration.

I define it like this:

1. The act of giving everything I have, going above and beyond, being there at all hours, blood, sweat and tears, and a bag of chips… only to be used up and taken for granted.

2. Taking a position of respect only to be disrespected.

3. Being the best I can be only to be left out in the cold (or the rain).

4. Taking one for the team, time and time again without support or reinforcements.

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There really isn’t a main topic to this rant. It is a general, all inclusive rant really. I am so annoyed with our Government.

I am annoyed because:
– We are in serious debt.
– The Public School System
– Aspartame was approved by the FDA??
– The teachers are getting fired and school budgets are getting cut.
– The public schools in the US have huge budgets for sports fields and buildings, but our science labs and libraries do not.
– Our food is contaminated.
– Our Police Officers, Firemen, Medics, Teachers and Soldiers have some of the smallest incomes in the country but in my opinion are some of the most important people.
– Pathetic (No) Maternity Leave.
– Expensive Health Care. (PS: Thanks for requiring us to have it, so the insurance companies could charge more for it.. Awesome!)
– The Welfare System.
– Social Security is a Scam
– If you are a Caucasian from a middle income family, it is almost impossible to get scholarships or grants for college… so play a sport and play it well.
– Lack of Benefits on (excessively expensive) healthcare plans.
– The monopoly of certain companies (previously named in my blog) and their intimate relationship with certain departments of the government.
– Our justice system sucks.
– Drug tests still aren’t required for Welfare approval.
– How did we get in debt again??

I could go on all day. Why is the land of the free and home of the brave so screwed up? Why are the “Brave” treated like garbage when they return from war, and paid so little for the job they do. Why are they not taken care of financially and especially mentally when they return from doing the tasks assigned to them. Stand up Mr. President. Do something worthwhile. Give these men and women the help they need.

Mr. President, I guess I just don’t get it all. Yes, there are a ton of issues to work out when running a country, but that is why you have multitudes of departments and branches to do the work for you. Where is your backbone? You chose to run for president. Why? To fire teachers, not pay soldiers, continue to allow our country to serve tainted food and poorly developed products to our children? You should know how bad the school systems are.. you have children. Oh, yes. They don’t go to the public schools. Mine won’t either, because I want them to have a good education and not have to deal with gang violence and bullying like I did growing up.
Or maybe it was to set new taxes or screw up our health care system more than it was.

Take my family, a small family of three living on what I like to call a middle American income. They take out the $1500 we have to pay per month to cover a family of three with health care and the approximately 30% in taxes (lets not forget our Social Security Scam payment too). By the time it is all said and done, we struggle. We wish to have another child, because we are hard working Americans who both hold jobs, are educated and deserve to bring another member of society into the world to make a difference. Well, we have issues getting pregnant and staying pregnant. Fertility help is not covered by insurance. So, we have to pay extra to try and have one more child to make our family whole. All the while, we are paying our taxes and helping to support the multitude of people that are having children for free, and also getting welfare assistance to feed those children for free, and free lunches/breakfasts at school.. and eventually a discounted college education if those children go to college as well as all the non-members of society who sit in prison and live off of our government as well. I’m sorry to stray from my story. So, back to the topic (if there ever was one), we work hard. We want the best for our family, but we are strained. We bought our home in a foreclosure sale, we only own one vehicle that is financed. We have very little debt other than student loans, thanks to having a balanced budget and living within our means (maybe your finance department should hire consultants from the real world of hard working Americans) and just want to live the “American Dream” but that is becoming more and more of a fairy tale.

In short, you are providing us, the American People, a disservice during your presidency. The government sucks at being there for the PEOPLE. I would really like a clear explanation for where all the money goes and why we are in such a bad place. The day the government decided everyone had to carry mandatory health care, the last straw of the Free World went out the window. Don’t you get it?? Those of us who can afford health care already had it. Now that it is required, no one can afford it. And soon, with changes like this, there will be more people on Welfare, more homes in foreclosure and more people riding the system. Think of the domino effect you are creating.

Get your stuff together. When you make decisions, think about how they effect Americans as a whole, not how it effects your good buddies in the big houses up the hill. Think about us. We are America.

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My family, my home, my garden, my vehicle, my continuing education, my health, my pets, my fitness goals, my food intake, my other projects, my yard, and my blog.

I feel like a bad parent and wife. Work has gotten so busy lately and now I have no time for anything. For the past 2-3 weeks I have worked late (midnight-2am-ish) a few nights a week, at least. On the weekends I come back to work. My husband has been doing a good job of being Mister Mom but the child needs a mother and the house needs a wife. My home is a wreck. Dirty.. filthy really. The bedding needs changing, the bathrooms need scrubbing and the floors are horrendous.

Just to be clear, I am not one of those that strives to be the best of the best at work. My career is important.. AFTER my family. I want to be good at what I do, but I will not bend over backwards on a regular basis to get to the next level. I do good work, I do my best. That will be more than enough to get me to the level I want to be at. But from time to time I have deadlines.. and those deadlines interfere with my personal life.

I hope my child understands someday. I hope that my time away is short, and only proves that sometimes you have to make sacrifices and work a little harder to get the job done right. I hope it makes her stronger and wiser.

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