Feeds:
Posts
Comments

He is gone.  

 

Since my last post I was able to see my little baby around week 7, his heart beating strong on the screen, and his little blob of a body living inside me.  We made it to week 10.  I started feeling strange the day before the next appointment.  I knew that feeling.  I had been there 5 times before.  When I came into the doctor’s office for my 2nd ultrasound the baby had died.  I saw his little body on the screen.  He was much larger. He had grown well.  I don’t know why his heart had stopped beating.  No one does. He had passed away.  This was it.  Our last child and again, before we were able to meet him, he grew wings and went to heaven.

We are a family of 3.  No more, no less.  We have six angels living in heaven, waiting to meet us someday.  My heart is broken and my womb will never be full again.   

That is when I will see the newest member of our family.  I need to see this child.  I need to see his (or her) little heartbeat on the screen.  I need it.  There is no way for me to explain to another person how this need feels.  But it is there, as true and real as the Earth itself.  I have needed this for a very long time, and finally my prayers have been answered.  

I know this is meant to be.  It is finally my turn to have another child.  

Thank you God for answering my prayers and the repetitive, adorable and bubbly prayers of my daughter.  She will be so happy.  Thank you, Thank you, Thank you!!! 

 

Image

Moving along…

I am, per some special calculation, 5 weeks and 5 days pregnant. So much has happened in these few weeks. I can feel my body taking over and doing what it is meant to do. Things hurt, other things don’t, and overall I am just exhausted. I love it! I remember when I was pregnant with my daughter, I was just oblivious to pregnancy symptoms. I was just so happy to be pregnant and so excited that she was a surprise.
This time I have tried so hard and waited so long. My mind and body are so in-tune now. It’s like I can almost feel my body creating life. It is so beautiful!

This is my last pregnancy. I have given so much of my time and my life to create life one more time. I look forward to every moment of this pregnancy. Every twinge, every pain, every dry-heave, every aching muscle and every kick. This is mine and I deserve it!

Next week, I get to see this little one on screen. I am taking my daughter with me so the doctor can tell her that she will finally be a sister. She is going to be so excited!

I’m Pregnant.  We did it.. Again.  Pregnancy number 7 is underway.  And this time, it is going to work out.  I was nervous at first.  Paranoid actually.  But things feel different this time.  

The most miraculous part of this… this was our last round to try to conceive naturally.  Next month we were slotted to go through an IUI, then call it quits for good.  So amazing. 

Monday, February 13th was when it started.  I was at work and feeling like I was going to hurl on my keyboard.  Then noticed the aching in my breasts.  My sinuses were annoyed and I knew, either I was pregnant or getting sick.  So, I ran to Walgreens at lunch and bought a test. Sure enough! Pregnant.  :)  Such a beautiful little pee stick! I told my husband that night.  We were both cautiously optimistic, but knew the odds were against us.  

Each day that has gone by, things have changed.  I am full of good yet annoying pregnancy symptoms.  The pregnancy tests keep getting darker (yes I still test.. don’t judge!).  Things feel good.  Things feel normal for a healthy pregnancy.  I am feeling more and more optimistic everyday.  

The morning of February 14th, my 4 year old walks into the bathroom where i am standing at the mirror.  She reaches up and rubs my belly and say “is my brother in there?”  I had to take a step back to catch myself.  What a little crazy girl.  I didn’t tell her yet, but somehow she knows something.  I love that special little child.. my one beautiful child on Earth.

I am almost 5 weeks along.  Still so very early, but I look forward to the rest of this journey.  

 

I love me some Yoga!

God it hurts. It hurts so bad, but I am addicted to it. I did some really cool moves and tried my best to ‘pose’ as I was instructed, but I know I looked foolish. It is OK, it is dark in there. Candle light sweaty yoga! The perfect opportunity for a slightly overweight, completely unbalanced, out of shape mom like me to do the best I can without being overly watched and ridiculed.

Things are changing. I have only been going for a little over a week. My body feels differently. Things move farther and more freely than they did before. I feel good!! But I have so far to go still.

Other things are changing too. I ovulated 3 days sooner than normal. My bowels are regulating. My sciatic pain is back.. to add a negative to the mix. Surely it will work itself out in another session or two. My moods are getting better. My ability to rationalize with my budding toddler has improved, and the time between frustrated and boiling over has increased dramatically.

I think I found a lifelong project. A forever program. I love me some Yoga!!


It has been three years and 7 months since this journey began. For exactly 43 months we have been trying to have another child. There have been ups and downs, and overall the entire process has been stressful and very hard on our marriage. In the past 3 years and 7 months, we have lost 3 pregnancies. Add those to the 2 pregnancies I lost before our child was born, and well.. I am tired to say the least. I am tired of my hopes fluctuating up and down and the stress and fear of the ‘what ifs’.

I made a decision awhile back to close the book on this chapter in life. It was hard to do. We set a date.. a final date. Our plan was to try through the end of the year, and call it quits. Drop the subject, move on and enjoy life as a family of three.

I am luckier than some. There are some women who try for decades and walk away empty handed. I have a gorgeous (almost) 4 year old to spoil and love for eternity. I hurt for those women who have no child to hold. I wish we could all get what we want, have the families we dreamed of and live happy and healthy lives. But that isn’t always the plan I suppose.

The mister and I had the talk last night. We knew our time was coming to an end. About a week ago I proposed one last option… IUI. It is a subject we have talked about before. In fact we had planned to go through with it once early last year, and then I miraculously got pregnant. But as the story goes, that didn’t work out so well.

So, the plan is set. We keep trying until February and if nothing happens on it’s own by then, we endure one round of IUI fertility treatment.. then we walk away. Pregnant or not. We will be done and will never look back.

After a heavy breakdown last night, I am surprisingly ok with this plan. There is a end point, something I think everyone needs for sanity’s sake. When that day comes, and if we didn’t succeed in growing our family, I will be fine. For the past 3+ years I have not started anything new, for fear I wouldn’t be able to finish it. I thought about training for a 5k, or a triathlon, but I didn’t. I want to take a trip with just my husband to someplace ‘adult like’.. maybe Vegas or a cruise. But I didn’t plan it because I might be pregnant or breastfeeding a little one.

I am ready to move on. It will hurt so badly if we are not successful, but that pain will fade. I need to move on, for my sake as well as my family. They need me, and for the past 3+ years I haven’t been there 100%. I will mourn the loss of my fertility, my womb that will go unused for the rest of my life, but I will have more energy and focus to celebrate my wonderful family and the future we have together.

Please send positive thoughts.. one way or another, I will need them all. Thank you.

I have ‘friends’ in my life. Some are in my life more than others are. Some I don’t know how I ever had anything in common with.
Take lunch today. I spent upwards of an hour listening to the sexual endeavors of a ‘friend’. It was nauseating. Sure, everyone loves a good story of pursuit. But this was over the top and involved more than two parties. Maybe I have been married too long, but I didn’t find anything appealing about the lifestyle being described. I felt so happy knowing I have a steady man in my life.

Also, a few days ago, I am fairly sure I “broke up” with someone that I thought was a fairly good friend. There comes a time in life, where you just can’t support certain people and the life they lead. I was sad, I have to admit. But I know I am going to be OK. I just hope she gets her head straight. Once she realizes her decisions are all her own, she will be in a better place. Excusing behavior because she had a certain upbringing, or because of the weather, PMS or depression has to stop. She makes her own path.. and walks down it all on her own free will. Sadly she is leaving broken people in her wake and I just can’t sit there and see her break another man to pieces because of her selfishness.

I guess I am realizing I am pretty much friendless, and I am OK with that. It is better for me to realize this now, than to waste my time and energy trying to foster relationships that just won’t last. The funny part is that both of these people were friends in my past. And in the past, there was a falling out with both of them at different times. This was our second attempt at friendship. Sometimes its just best to leave well enough alone.

I have my family. That is all I will ever need. Sadly, both of these women do not have a family. Both have sworn off men at one time or another, or had relationships they just couldn’t maintain. And both are childless. I feel sorry for them in this respect. They don’t know what real love and true friendship really is.

Best of luck to them both.

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.